Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Mourning and Celebrating

Yesterday was both a good day and bad day for me. For those of you who don't know me very well; in October 2010 I found out that I was pregnant on a Friday and then not even a week later on Wednesday, it was discovered that the baby was tubal. I was given a shot to dissolve the pregnancy and a week later had to have laparoscopic surgery to remove the baby (tube ended up being removed too because it was damaged beyond repair) because the shot hadn't worked.

I decided that the baby deserved a name so after doing research online, I chose Devi. At the time I was led to believe that it was unisex and Hindi for "Resides in Heaven." A month later, I decided I wanted a memorial tattoo for Devi and after a month of thinking about it, I decided on the phrase "Unborn baby in the hands of Heaven." I decided to have it translated into Hindi so I contacted a translator where I learned that Devi actually means "Goddess" or "Female Angel" which is fitting because I always wanted a girl.

I gave my tattoo artist, Bill, the script and told him that I wanted a red rose and a yucca flower and I wanted it all to look like one design instead of 3 separate pieces. The red rose was to symbolize the single red rose that is typically laid on top of the coffin at the funeral and the yucca (being the New Mexico state flower) symbolizes where it all happened and where Devi's "grave" is.

I had originally decided that I wanted the tattoo on my lower left stomach (it was my left tube) but realized that with my future pregnancies it could very likely be stretched out so it went on my left hip where it would be relatively safe. I really love the design Bill did. I especially love how he placed the leaves to make the script look like the stem for the flowers. It really is one tattoo instead of 3 separate pieces. As for the "red" rose, he did such an amazing job with the shading that the tattoo really didn't need coloring.

Yesterday would have been Devi's estimated due date if things had gone differently and I hadn't lost her. Yesterday, I got my tattoo. The hardest part of all of this has been the fact that I didn't get to have a funeral or lay my baby to rest in peace. I'm in a much better place now because not only is it a memorial tattoo but it was a way to let most of the emotional pain escape through physical pain. Yesterday I celebrated what could have been and mourned what will not be. In a way, I gave my baby her funeral. Rest in Peace Devi. Mommy loves you.

 (Tattoo 10 minutes after completion)

(The following pics were taken today after some of the swelling had gone down and I've included closeups to show the detail.)

I will post new pics once it's completely healed.